During a press conference which consisted of journalists scratching their heads and double checking that April 1st has not been moved forwards, the FA have today named Stuart Pearce as the new full-time England manager.
"Well he ticks all the boxes, so it made sense to just give him the job now instead of messing about for weeks, even though that's precisely what we do best" said an FA spokesperson. "He's English, he's spent years underachieving and disappointing in tournaments with the Under 21 side, he's mentioned the words 'passion' and 'pride' at least 17 times so he ticks the cliche box as well. And as we all know, he loves screaming obscenities and waving his arms around like an idiot, so that's two more things he has in common with the fans than Capello ever had."
However, the FA Spokesperson continued, the deciding factor in giving Pearce the job revolved around his England squad for the upcoming friendly against The Netherlands.
"It was all going swimmingly and then we realised Pearce had dropped Lampard from the squad, at which point he was offered the job on the spot. We've been trying to get rid of him for years. But then every time the squad is about to be announced, he rings us up and starts pleading with us. Tells us about how much he's improved."
"Last time it was about how he's learnt to pass the ball now, he's learnt how to shoot inbetween the posts, he's learnt how to take a penalty. We even let him turn up and play with a Chelsea top on underneath the England shirt but it was no good, he was still shit. Fortunately Pearce was having none of it and dropped him."
"Sadly he still named Gareth Barry in the squad, who hasn't had a decent game in his career since 2002, so there's a few doubts lingering, but hopefully he'll address these by giving us a decent showing against the Dutch. Not letting Van Persie score six in each half would be a good start."
It's possible the job might already be getting to Pearce however. "When we asked him if he had any questions he started screwing his eyes up at us and complaining he had a headache. A few of us did have some outstanding concerns I must admit. Let's not forget, his previous managerial experience was with Manchester City, so adapting to manage a big team is a big step."
"We've spent some time going over some model answers with him as well. Just wait and see how he does when the media start asking questions about where the fuck the defence went against The Netherlands. I think all the hard work will become apparent then."
Page written by Typhlosion.
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